What's on my mind...
What's not on my mind? :)
I'd like to start sharing little bits of my story here, because I keep getting this message that that's what I'm supposed to be doing at this point on my journey. So here we go :)
I left my job a year and a half ago, not intentionally setting out on this path. But about a week into my job-hunt, I realized perhaps the universe had given me this time to finally figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. Find my soul's purpose. Ensure I wouldn't leave this earth not having lived the life I was truly meant to live. Help those I was meant to help. Learn what I was meant to learn. (I think hanging with my cousin Karen as she was nearing her death, and having seen the passing of others who were close to me throughout my life is what seemed to ignite this yearning?).
So I set off in search of my purpose. I listened to podcasts. Took classes. Read books. Listened to books. Took workshops called "Finding Your Purpose". Meditated. Meditated some more. Learned about my limiting beliefs. Cleared my limiting beliefs (found more, cleared more, repeat...). Found circles of people to lift and inspire me. Got coaches. Listened to others tell their stories. Stumbled upon wild things like energy healing, channeling, talking to my intuition, talking to other souls, muscle testing, law of attraction, conscious healing, tapping, course in miracles, etc. etc..
All the while constantly in search of a manual to JUST SHOW ME what I was supposed to do. And many times I thought I finally found the manual, until eventually it stopped resonating with me.
And after reading everyone else's manuals, I started to think I just wasn't cut out for all this. So many of the people seemed to have found their purpose when they were at their lowest low. Either destitute on a friend's couch, or near death because of an addiction.
Others who seemed to have the answers were on the other end of the spectrum - it was as if they were born into the world with the knowing and the confidence in their purpose. Their parents were creatives or entrepreneurs or yogis, so this lifestyle of 'not knowing the next step', while still not easy, was less scary.
And then there were those who had no daily obligations (i.e. not raising 2 little kids), so had nothing but time and no real urgency to find their purpose (& figure out how to make a living doing it).
This morning I woke up out of a nightmare around 5am (I dreamt that some woman was physically holding me back from escaping what seemed like a restroom, and I woke up as I was screaming and pushing against her...), and had this knowing that I was supposed to get up and come downstairs and write. (even though I tried forcing myself to fall back asleep, I couldn't. It kept calling me...).
So, after a little procrastination, and reading a couple of pages in my latest manual for inspiration, I wrote to my intuition (for more on that, see http://jesslively.com/intuition/), and I asked do I have the personality necessary for this job, of living my purpose? And this is what I heard:
"The outcome is not predetermined and will not match that of those who have gone before you. While your ego keeps piping up with the fame seeking, you know this is not why you are here. You are here because you are seeking to simply uncover what lies beneath. And to share that story with others who are also struggling."
(ME) So what do I need to do then?
"Accept your destiny. You are a story teller."
(ME) Why do I keep fighting this? I get this sense that there’s actual peace and serenity on the other side of all this.. so why do I resist?
"Because you are used to things being laid out for you. You're used to reading and following a manual. You keep seeking a manual. But no manual exists. There are just other stories from other people, and their stories are not your story. Your story is your own. Their stories have been shared with you because you needed the bits of advice and wisdom in order to get to this point. But to be clear, there is no manual.
Because of the life(lives) you’ve lived, your path is unique to you and your experiences. While you share limiting beliefs with others, you also have ones that are uniquely yours based off of what you have seen and done in this lifetime.
No 2 personalities will follow the same path. There are breadcrumbs and route markers left behind from other souls on this journey. That is what you have been picking up; you find them when it is your time to find them, when you have progressed or made a wrong turn or need guidance to move you from a place of stuck-ness.
(ME) So maybe it's this knowing that is why I hesitate to be a teacher. I don’t want to appear to have the answers for people. I only have the answers that have worked for me.
"But you are a guide, and it is your job to now leave your own breadcrumbs for others that may be coming up the path behind you.
Just share. Don’t tell."
(Me in real-time again here :)) So I guess the moral of this particular story/ sharing is this: If you're searching for a manual, endlessly listening to podcasts or books or whatever to give you the answer for what you should do next/ how should you find your purpose, know that there is no manual.
But there is advice, and you have guides/ angels/ ancestors/ your own intuition/ G(g)od, which will help you find the breadcrumbs so you stay on the path. Your path. Because that's all we can do, right? Keep following the trailmarkers, asking for help from our guides, adjust course when necessary, take a break when necessary. But just keep getting up and walking on our path.
Love you guys/gals. Thanks for listening :) Hope you have an amazing Saturday (snow here... yay!!).